Monday, January 20, 2014

Low Ebb of Motivation, Productive Procrastination and Cedar Fever

It's a holiday. I don't have work at the writing center. I do have work I could do, most importantly, work on my dissertation, which I haven't worked on for a month. I haven't been lazy: I've reviewed an article for a journal, produced a podcast, editing someone else's dissertation. I've even been writing: I finished a novel, I revised a book review, created 10 lesson plans. But I'm having a hard time just sitting down and working on my dissertation.

Oldest song in the book, right?

But it's not like I want to do anything relaxing. I don't want to watch Hulu. I cancelled my Netflix. I'm ages behind on the PBS shows.  I don't want to just chill with the friends of mine who do have the day off. I don't have any holiday plans for a bike ride or a trip or anything.

I'm stuck in this unpleasant not-doing but also not-not-doing. Do I take the day off in earnest or work in earnest? The library is closed, but is my building locked? I hate this in between. I feel like at the end of this day I will have nothing to show for it--no major accomplishments, no happy memories, just a lot of indecision, pacing and avoidance.

But before I castigate myself, I'm tired. I want to lie in bed. This, I learned my second February here, is how I process cedar fever, the terrible allergy season of this time of year. This year pollen has been uncommonly high and some of my friends and classmates look like wrecks. I should be happy I'm not sneezing up a storm or all puffy eyed and pained, but this letharigia looks just like my low motivation--I'm not sick enough to call myself sick and just stay in, but I'm not well enough to do what I'd like to do. In. Between.

1 comment:

Sara said...

I have Cedar Fever, too, Mary! I've felt so lethargic all week and wondered what my problem was. Then it dawned on me: it's allergies. :/ I hate them.