Low Ebb of Motivation, Productive Procrastination and Cedar Fever
It's a holiday. I don't have work at the writing center. I do have
work I could do, most importantly, work on my dissertation, which I
haven't worked on for a month. I haven't been lazy: I've reviewed an
article for a journal, produced a podcast, editing someone else's
dissertation. I've even been writing: I finished a novel, I revised a
book review, created 10 lesson plans. But I'm having a hard time just
sitting down and working on my dissertation.
Oldest song in the book, right?
But it's not like I want to do anything relaxing. I don't want to watch Hulu. I cancelled my Netflix. I'm ages behind on the PBS shows. I don't want to just chill with the friends of mine who do have the day off. I don't have any holiday plans for a bike ride or a trip or anything.
I'm stuck in this unpleasant not-doing but also not-not-doing. Do I take the day off in earnest or work in earnest? The library is closed, but is my building locked? I hate this in between. I feel like at the end of this day I will have nothing to show for it--no major accomplishments, no happy memories, just a lot of indecision, pacing and avoidance.
But before I castigate myself, I'm tired. I want to lie in bed. This, I learned my second February here, is how I process cedar fever, the terrible allergy season of this time of year. This year pollen has been uncommonly high and some of my friends and classmates look like wrecks. I should be happy I'm not sneezing up a storm or all puffy eyed and pained, but this letharigia looks just like my low motivation--I'm not sick enough to call myself sick and just stay in, but I'm not well enough to do what I'd like to do. In. Between.
Oldest song in the book, right?
But it's not like I want to do anything relaxing. I don't want to watch Hulu. I cancelled my Netflix. I'm ages behind on the PBS shows. I don't want to just chill with the friends of mine who do have the day off. I don't have any holiday plans for a bike ride or a trip or anything.
I'm stuck in this unpleasant not-doing but also not-not-doing. Do I take the day off in earnest or work in earnest? The library is closed, but is my building locked? I hate this in between. I feel like at the end of this day I will have nothing to show for it--no major accomplishments, no happy memories, just a lot of indecision, pacing and avoidance.
But before I castigate myself, I'm tired. I want to lie in bed. This, I learned my second February here, is how I process cedar fever, the terrible allergy season of this time of year. This year pollen has been uncommonly high and some of my friends and classmates look like wrecks. I should be happy I'm not sneezing up a storm or all puffy eyed and pained, but this letharigia looks just like my low motivation--I'm not sick enough to call myself sick and just stay in, but I'm not well enough to do what I'd like to do. In. Between.
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