Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Writing My Own Obituary

Mary Leah Hedengren recently passed away due to natural causes. For example, a heart attack. Lots of people die from heart attacks, very suddenly, and sometimes without any previous medical symptoms. Or a brain aneurysm. That's another good one. She could have died from a brain aneurysm.

Anyway, the point isn't which natural cause it was, but that is was a natural cause. Totally natural. Au naturel, as the French would say. Natural as could be. More natural than the produce section in a hippie co-op. That natural. Nothing suspicious about it at all. Just your run-of-the-mill, completely possible, however tragic, naturally occurring natural causes.

Ms. Hedengren lived an entirely normal, not suspicious, totally safe life. She was born on September 11, 1984 in Provo, Utah, didn't do anything that might cause chagrin to any unsavory characters, and served a full-time mission for the LDS Church. She loved laughter, writing, and not getting involved in over her head in dangerous enterprises. She attended the University of Texas at Austin, taught English to her beloved class and that was it. Just that.

She is proceeded in her completely unforeseen but natural death by several other people who also died of natural causes. All these people were entirely unconnected to each other, only through coincidental relation to Ms. Hedengren. And through possible chance encounters on the street. But then, everyone bumps into strangers on the street all the time; it doesn't necessarily imply that there's some sort of connection between them. And it definitely doesn't imply that their deaths to natural causes were somehow part of a pattern.

She is survived by many loving family members and friends who shouldn't definitely not investigate the causes of her death, which were natural, so there would be nothing at all to investigate. Period.

As there can not be a casketed funeral, a memorial service will be held at the LDS chapel at 1260 W. 1150 N. Provo, Utah. Friends and family may visit and mourn, but certainly not discuss any suspicious circumstances of her demise. In lieu of flowers, please consider a donation to your favorite charity. Just not the police.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Fine Art of Procrastination

I'm a middling quantity procrastinator. An amaturcrastinator, as they say. But I think I have some useful quality procrastination tips.

Let us begin:

1. Don't procrastinate between something you love and something you hate. Either you can grade papers or you can work on your paper. Not grade papers or eat ice cream, because you know which one will win out.

2. If you must procrastinate with something you love, make it something kind of gross, and do it to excess. After 4 hours of reading People magazine, you'll be disgusted enough with yourself that writing a paper seems like a good change of pace.

3. Procrastination can be a fine creative method. Procrastinating by writing stories, drawing, etc. can inspire some of your best work. Your mind slips around looking for anything to keep you from filling out that application and sometimes it finds pure gold to distract you.

4.Two can procrastinate better than one. Visit someone who should be doing better things and you can distract each other. And if you think you might be ready to get back to work, they can hold you back and vice versa. And because you're helping each other procrastinate, working on building your relationship seems very, very important. (Note: this is especially useful if you are related to the person you're procrastinating with--then you can feel smug about "family time.")

5. Procrastinate with vigor. Don't dink around procrastination with 2 minutes here and 5 minutes there--no, take hours, the entire morning, this week. Then you'll feel like you did something (watched 3 seasons of Supernatural) instead of just drowning under a pile of quick Facebook checks and snack-preparing.

I hope these help you as much as they have helped me, especially in this busy Procrastinating Season. Happy Finals!